Thursday, December 14, 2006

The Christmas Party

I have survived yet another year of organizing the office Christmas party. I dug out this very funny tragedy from my archives as a warning of where I may very well end up! It's a bit of read, but well worth it. Enjoy.


FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resource Director
TO: All Employees

DATE: 4th November 2005
RE: Christmas Party


I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon the private function room at the Grill House. There will be cash bar and plenty of drinks!

We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... please feel free to sing along.
And don't be surprised if the E.D. shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1 pm. Gift exchanges among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
The E.D. will make a special announcement at the party.

Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Pauline


FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resource Director
TO: All Employees

DATE: 5th November 2005
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party". The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Pauline


FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees

DATE: 6th November 2005
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that $10 is too much money and Management believe $10 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED!

Pauline

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees

DATE: 7th November 2005
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of the year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gay are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress…no cross-dressing allowed.

We will have booster seat for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food, we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as desserts for Diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?????

Pauline

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F******
Employees
DATE: 8th November 2005
RE: The F****** Holiday Party

Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it, you'll have your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feelings too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream, I'm hearing them scream right NOW!!!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink, drive and die!!!

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!

FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resource Director
TO: All
Employees
DATE: 9th November 2005
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of December 23rd off with full pay.